Back in 2018, legendary financial columnist Jason Zweig unearthed a gem from the 1990s he dubbed “The First Totally Honest Stock Market Story.” In it, a fictional financial reporter submits a breaking news report: “Stocks went up today because there were more buyers than sellers. The end.” I've linked to the full, hilarious story below.
It’s the kind of story that got a mild chuckle before the page turned, yet might just be the wisest thing ever published about Wall Street.
Zweig’s tribute reminds us that most financial journalism is a stew of pseudo-certainty, short-term panic, and metaphors about “headwinds” that could sink a cruise ship. Every twist in the market demands commentary—even if the narrative was reverse-engineered after the closing bell.
Which brings us to now. After months of headlines warning us about interest rate doom, recession gloom, and AI-powered booms that might crash by noon, the markets have—surprise!—rebounded. Again. Like they have so many times before.
If you had bailed out based on a gloomy op-ed in March, or panicked in April, you would be watching this rally from the sidelines, wondering if it is too late to jump back in.
Here’s the truth: reacting to financial headlines as if they’re emergency alerts is like trying to steer a cruise ship with a kayak paddle. You’ll exhaust yourself, go nowhere, and probably spill your drink.
The market doesn’t move in straight lines—or follow journalists’ predictions. It climbs walls of worry, dives into pools of fear, and occasionally cannonballs into irrational euphoria. And through it all, long-term investors who stay the course tend to come out ahead.
So next time a headline makes your palms sweat, remember Zweig’s honest story. Take a breath. Give me a call. Revisit your plan. And resist the urge to react, or predict, just because someone on TV looks nervous in a blazer.
Because while the headlines may be entertaining, the consequences of overreacting? Now that’s no laughing matter.
https://jasonzweig.com/the-first-totally-honest-stock-market-story
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